| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2006|08:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the wispers of the library | ] |
So much going on in my mind I'm not entirely sure where to start....Ok heres a little wisdom nugget Zac told me last night I choose what I want. That may not seem so profound to most of you but to me that is incredible. I mean lets look at my life thus far, I do everything I can to please my parents (I dont do it as much as I used to but still). When I was in high school the drive was to get into college, at the community college it was to get into a four year. Now I'm in a four year and lost motivation and steam. I wasn't doing it for me I was doind it because my parents told me to. Which explains why my grades went to shit as soon as I was away from their pressure. That is the one thing I could really fault them for, not teaching me how to motivate myself and know I could have what I wanted.
Im 23 and not graduated from college. Why? Because the moment I didn't have the pressure instantly on me I chose to do something else. I would sit in my appartment all day watching tv instead of going to class or studying. I've made all the wrong choices because I didn't want to motivate myself to get it. Part of that was fear, I was doing fantastically when I got to davis going to class but then suddenly there was no "I dont want to be in this house with my parents" to make me leave. I was comfortable so I put on weight and didn't goto class. I went out and spent way more than I could earn. It ended up with me in LA under my parents thumb for 3 months until being kicked out.
Then I moved up here with Zac and found countless excuses why I couldn't work or goto school...And I sat on the sofa and got fatter taking care of the apartment like a good little house wife. Summer came and Zac made me go to school and I went, did pretty well but then he stopped pushing me so I got lazy again. Grades got crappy and suprise I got unhappy. I've made all kinds of excuses for me..its not my fault because (fill in blank), when it was my fault because I choose to negelect it. This isn't the only area of life I have been negelcting...the only thing I haven't is my husband.
I am not the type of person to be happy sitting at home watching TV all day...I get really restless. But last night was the epifany that I could choose, not someone else.
I know that I want my degree.
I know that I want to teach.
I know that I want to be at a healthy weight and be able to see my toes when standing up straight.
I choose to do what it takes to get my degree
I choose to find out what it is I need to do to be a teacher
I choose to put myself first and think about what I am putting into my body.
I need all of your help to remember that everyday is my choice, I can do what needs to be done to get what I want. That nasty little voice in my head (that sounds so much like my mother) has had a long enough reign of "You can't do it, you arent good enough", now comes the strong confident Karen that says "I can do what I choose to do, everything is a choice.."
Its taken me a long time to figure this out and alot of pain but I wouldn't trade any of it for the knowledge I have now. |
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| mood swings |
[Oct. 6th, 2005|01:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
So today total mood swingage
This morning it dawned on me that Im getting married in 10 days and that made me so incredibly high and happy and in the countdown mode.
So then im watching gilmore girls and its the episode where lorelei dumps max. Thank god Jenn was sitting by me because there was the panic attack in the back of my head that came forward. I still have that panic sitting in the bottom of my stomach and in my chest. It feels completly irrational to be scared butI am. Not scared that the whole wedding thing and people staring at me all day although pictureing that right now totaly isnt helpping things. I mean Ive spent over 9 months planning this and things have gone fairly smoothly and so Im not worried about the event. I love zac and Im just scared, irrationally scared. This guy is going to be my husband, in theory the person to spend the rest of my life with, what if he gets bored with me? what if i get bored with him? What if we can never have kids? This is not going on the direction I had hoped I thought this ranting would make me feel better but Im kinda feeling worse mebbe I should stop..
Dont worry Im just going insane and insecure...the wedding will still happen |
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| Now that theres time |
[Sep. 29th, 2005|09:34 am] |
I figure a full on update is in order so!
1) Wedding is nailed down, we have 150 people coming when we had only
planned for 120. But everything is coming up roses in that
department. Somethings were easier to take care of while others
were just down right crappy. At least I can let it rest this weekend
without freaking on it, although I still have wrapping to do,
heh. Should I be mean and bury Zac's present under a crap load of
peanuts? I think I will just because we have the boxes and the peanuts
readily availible. But all in all it should be a very very beautiful
thing, and when I get the dvd I will be showing it to everyone so
prepare yourself heh..on that note though Zac and I are kinda worried
about our videographer the guy is a young kid and frankly im not all
that impressed but this is a parents thing so whatev
2) The bridal shower with Zacs family was nice, I couldnt name 2 of the
people in the room at the begining but at the end I could name everyone
and since Zac has a HUGE family I think that is a major plus! I got
some cool things nothing racy unlike the socal shower...I got one thing
that I had never heard of before, a pressure cooker...I opened it and
was like WTF mate? then I found the instruction booklet and it made a
smidge more sense. Ah well something fun to learn how to use.
3) Uhual- Man I have the biggest issues with them. They called us
5 min before they closed saturday night to tell us to pick it up in
Redwood City a good 30 min drive away, so we have to wait until the
next morning to confirm that they have it thank god they do and then we
hop in the car and drive down there and get lost and finally find it
and get it with waiting for an hour to get get it...It just
sucked..mebbe it had more to do with me being on my period and just
feeling crappy after 5 hours of sleep on a weekend where the total was
mebbe 8 hours. I duno but what I do know is that the apartment wasnt
packed why you ask? Because I was the only one doing it so I went up
one side and down the other with zac and we packed a bit before my
friend Sarah arrived thank god she came, she helped us pack just about
everything up. And the boys Zac had promised to come help didnt
come until 2 so loading didnt finish until almost 7, then Zac took us
all out for a steak dinner that lasted until 9 we then drove to
fairfield and was unloading until midnight didnt goto bed until 2 and
had to get up at 5 to take Zac to the train so he could goto work, I
came home and slept until about 10 then I took it kinda easy with the
unpacking and I am still unpacking! And will be until sunday most likely
Sigh...I hate moving
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| quickie |
[Sep. 25th, 2005|06:40 am] |
Ok so really fast
1)Wedding stuff is pretty nailed down, just gotta get that cake thing taken care of.
2) Bridal shower with the inlaws, fun and informative
3) I still hate moving...and not done being packed yet. Also U-haul sucks the bigone, we have to goto redwood city to get our truck...bastards Will give more details once the move is done, and yes Ive been up since 430a |
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| *deep breath* |
[Sep. 22nd, 2005|02:22 pm] |
Hey all, hope you are well!
So some updates are in order. Thanks to Jenn & Jessa for the most kick back bachelorette party a girl could hope for last weekend.
I got through Finals somehow, and we will see how I did. Also I have no clots or blockages in my left leg so that is good. Wedding is still taking over my life and I still have moving stuff to do but Im dealing as best as I can. *hugs* Peace out! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2005|04:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
Well Kids it looks Like Karen is moving again...into a bigger apartment (thank god) and we will be doing it starting sunday sept 25th...anyone wanna help me out???? |
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